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FROZEN INSIDE 

BLOODLUST: A feminist journal against civilization

by Cindy 

These are questions about consent that me and 

a friend of mine put together for a workshop we 

helped put together. They helped spark a lot of 

really good and important discussions in our 

community, and hopefully will be helpful for you 

all too. We ask that you read and think honestly 

about these questions one at a time. (You cer¬ 

tainly don’t have to read the whole list in one 

sitting! In fact, we encourage you not to.) We 

wrote them hoping to provoke thought, and so we 

ask that you not be defensive, and that you think 

about them deeply, because that’s the only way 

that this can really help you and your community. 

1. How do you define consent? 

2. Have you ever talked about consent with your 

partner(s) or friends? 

3. Do you know people, or have been with people 

who define consent differently than you do? 

4. Have you ever been unsure about whether 

or not the person you were being sexual with 

wanted to be doing what you were doing? Did 

you talk about it? Did you ignore it in hopes that it 

would change? Did you continue what you were 

doing because it was pleasurable to you and you 

didn’t want to deal with what the other person 

was experiencing? Did you continue because you 

thought it was your duty? How do you feel about 

the choices you made? 

5. Do you think it is the other person’s respon¬ 

sibility to say something if they aren’t into what 

you’re doing? 

6. How might someone express that what is hap¬ 

pening is not ok? 

7. Do you look only for verbal signs or are there 

other signs? 

8. Do you think it is possible to misinterpret si¬ 

lence for consent? 

9. Have you ever asked someone what kinds of 

signs you should look for if they have a hard time 

verbalizing when something feels wrong? 

10. Do you only ask about these kinds of things 

if you are in a serious relationship or do you feel 

comfortable talking in casual situations too? 

11. Do you think talking ruins the mood? 

12. Do you think consent can be erotic? 

13. Do you think about people’s abuse histories? 

14. Do you check in as things progress or do you 

assume the original consent means everything is 

ok? 

15. If you achieve consent once, do you assume 

it’s always ok after that? 

16. If someone consents to one thing, do you as¬ 

sume everything else is ok or do you ask before 

touching in different ways of taking things to more 

intense levels? 

17. Are you resentful of people who want to or 

need to talk about being abused? Why? 

18. Are you usually attracted to people who fit 

the traditional standard of beauty as seen in the 

united states? 

19. Do you pursue friendship with people be¬ 

cause you want to be with them, and then give up 

on the friendship if that person isn’t interested in 

you sexually? 

20. Do you pursue someone sexually even after 

they have said they just want to be friends? 

21. Do you assume that if someone is affection¬ 

ate they are probably sexually interested in you? 

22. Do you think about affection, sexuality and 

boundaries? Do you talk about these issues with 

people? If so, do you talk about them only when 

you want to be sexual with someone or do you 

talk about them because you think it is important 

and you genuinely want to know? 

23. Are you clear about your own intentions? 

24. Have you ever tried to talk someone into do¬ 

ing something they showed hesitancy about? 

25. Do you think hesitancy is usually a form of 

flirting? 

26. Are you aware that in some instances it’s not? 

27. Have you ever thought someone’s actions 

were flirtatious when that wasn’t actually the mes¬ 

sage they wanted to get across? 

28. Do you think that if someone is promiscuous 

that makes it ok to objectify them or talk about 

them in ways you normally wouldn’t? 

29. If someone is promiscuous, do you think it’s 

less important to get consent? 

30. Do you think that if someone dresses in a cer¬ 

tain way it makes it ok to objectify them? 

31. If someone dresses a certain way, do you 

think it means that they want your sexual atten¬ 

tion or approval? 

32. Do you understand that there are many other 

reasons, that have nothing to do with you, that a 

person might want to dress or act in a way that 

you might find sexy? 

33. Do you think it’s your responsibility or role to 

overcome another person’s hesitance by pressur¬ 

ing them or making light of it? 

34. Have you ever tried asking someone what 

they’re feeling? 

35. Do you think sex is a game? 

36. Do you ever try to get yourself into situations 

that give you an excuse for touching someone 

you think would say no if you asked? i.e. Danc¬ 

ing, getting really drunk around them, falling 

asleep next to them. 

37. Do you make people feel “unfun” or “unlib¬ 

erated” if they don’t want to try certain sexual 

things? 

38. Do you think there are ways you act that 

might make someone feel that way even it’s not 

what you’re trying to do? 

39. Do you ever try and make bargains? i.e. “if 

you let me_, I’ll do_for you?” 

40. Have you ever used jealousy as a means of 

control? 

41. Have you made your partner(s) stop hang¬ 

ing out with certain friends, or limit their social 

interactions in general because of jealousy or 

insecurity? 41. Do you use jealousy to make your 

partner feel obligated to have sex with you? 

42. Do you feel like being in a relationship with 

someone means that they have an obligation to 

have sex with you? 

43. What if they want to abstain from sex for a 

week? A month? A year? 

44. Do you whine or threaten if you’re not having 

the amount of sex or kind of sex that you want? 

45. Do you think it’s ok to initiate something 

sexual with someone who’s sleeping? 

46. What if the person is your partner? 

47. Do you think it’s important to talk with them 

about it when they’re awake first? 

48. Do you ever look at how you interact with 

people or how you treat people, positive or 

negative, and where that comes from/where you 

learned it? 

49. Do you behave differently when you’ve been 

drinking? 

50. What are positive aspects of drinking for you? 

What are negative aspects? 

51. Have you been sexual with people when you 

were drunk or when they were drunk? Have you 

ever felt uncomfortable or embarrassed about it 

the next day? Has the person you were with ever 

acted weird to you afterward? 

52. Do you seek consent the same way when you 

are drunk as when you’re sober? 

53. Do you think it is important to talk the next 

day with the person you’ve been sexual with if 

there has been drinking involved? 

54. Do you think people need to take things more 

lightly? 

55. Do you think these questions are repressive 

and people who look critically at their sexual his¬ 

tories and their current behavior are uptight and 

should be more “liberated”? 

56. Do you think liberation might be different for 

different people? 

57. How do you react if someone becomes un¬ 

comfortable with what you’re doing, or if they 

don’t want to so something? Do you get defen¬ 

sive? Do you feel guilt? Does the other person 

end up having to take care of you and reassure 

you or are you able to step back and listen and 

hear them and support them and take responsi¬ 

bility for your actions? 

58. Do you tell your side of the story and try and 

change the way they experienced the situation? 

59. Do you do things to show your partner that 

you’re listening and that you’re interested in their 

ideas about consent or their ideas about what 

you did? 

60. Do you ever talk about sex and consent when 

you’re not in bed? 

61. Have you ever raped or sexually abused 

someone? Are you able to think about your be¬ 

havior? Have you made changes? What kinds of 

changes? 

62. Are you uncomfortable with your body or your 

sexuality? 

63. Has your own discomfort or your own abuse 

history caused you to act in abusive ways? If 

so, have you ever been able to talk to someone 

about it? Do you think talking about it could be 

helpful? 

64. Do you avoid talking about consent or abuse 

because you aren’t ready or don’t want to talk 

about your own sexual abuse? 

65. Do you ever feel obligated to have sex? 

66. Do you ever feel obligated to initiate sex? 

67. What if months or days or years later, some¬ 

one tells you they were uncomfortable with what 

you did, do you grill them? 

68. Do you initiate conversations about safe sex 

and birth control applicably? 

69. Do you think saying something as vague as 

“I’ve been tested recently” is enough? 

70. Do you take your partners concerns about 

safe sex and birth control seriously? 

71. Do you think that if one person wants to have 

safe sex and the other person doesn’t really care, 

it the responsibility of the person who has con¬ 

cerns to provide safe sex supplies? 

72. Do you think if a person has a body that can 

get pregnant, it’s up to them to provide birth con¬ 

trol? 

73. Do you complain or refuse safe sex or the 

type of birth control your partner wants to use 

because it reduces your pleasure? 

74. Do you try and manipulate your partner about 

these issues? 

75. Are you attracted to people with a certain kind 

of gender presentation? 

76. Have you ever objectified someone’s gender presentation? 

77. Do you assume that each person who fits a certain perceived gender presentation will interact 

with you in the same way? 

78. Do you find yourself repeating binary gender behaviors, even within queer relationships and 

friendships? How might you doing that make others feel? 

79. Do you view sexuality and gender presentation as part of a whole person, or do you consider 

those to be exclusively sexual aspects of people? 

80. If someone is dressed in drag, do you take it as an invitation to make sexual comments? 

81. Do you fetishize people because of their gender presentation? 

82. Do you think only men abuse? 

83. Do you think that in a relationship between people of the same gender, only the one who is more 

“manly” abuses? 

84. Do you think there is ongoing work that we can do to end sexual violence in our communities?